For life to be beautiful, it won't be perfect.

Welcome! I’m so glad you are here on this journey with me. If you’re new here, let me introduce myself. My name is Ashley and I am from St. Louis, MO. I’m 30 something trying to figure out this thing called life. I am a colorful, resilient, authentic, determined, passionate, brain aneurysm/hemorrhagic stroke survivor and a mental health advocate. You will get to know me better as we continue on this journey because I am an open book.

My mission with “Color Outside the Lines” is to create a community of love, understanding, and support. Life is not easy and there is no rule book. To me, coloring outside the lines is learning to live life without control. Something I am still trying to learn. As a child I would have never colored outside the lines…literally. You can tell which coloring books were mine without seeing a name. I have tried to control everything in my life which has led to a lot of success in my career but a lot of sabotaging in my personal life. The night of my brain aneurysm rupture when the doctor came in to explain what was happening, I didn’t react as I would have in the first 35 years of my life. I stayed calm, didn’t cry, didn’t ask a bunch of questions demanding answers. I just accepted what my faith would be and made peace with dying. I was alone. Why did I react that way? I believe I was uncharacteristically myself because I was supposed to unlearn the behavior I had known my whole life. I believe it was because that was the only way I would survive through the night to make it to surgery. Things happen for a reason but we can’t always see it in the moment. While I stopped trying to control everything and turned into all the twists and turns that life was throwing at me, I lost my way and reverted back to trying to control everything like I had for 35 years. I have to remind myself daily that I have no control over what happens to me, I only have control over how I react. The last few months I had forgotten that but more on that later.

We have to break the cycle and recondition our brains. That’s hard to do with or without a brain injury. I have spent the last few weeks so disappointed in myself for getting lost and allowing myself to try and control everything when I know I have no control. I know I truly have no control except over my reactions! I am trying to give myself grace in all of this but the reality is, it’s hard. Life is hard. I’ve hurt some people, including myself, and am really searching for forgiveness in them and in myself. I’m mad that I lost sight of what was important. If you are reading this, you are alive. Your life may not be perfect but you are breathing. Thank you for being here. Some days the hardest part is just showing up. I’ve focused way too much on all the bad things that have happened to me and I cannot do that anymore. They can be motivation for me to live a fuller, better, more intentional life but they cannot let them break me or my spirit or define me in a way that stops me from living. 11/26/2020 was a rebirth date for me. Since then life has been a roller coaster. Like one of those big wooden roller coasters…some days have been the best of my life and some days the pain has been so heavy that I have wondered if it would be easier if I wasn’t here. Well…saying those things to loved ones hurts them more than I ever realized. I have been reminded recently how blessed I am to be on this earth and wish I could take back thinking/saying those awful things. To be able to feel the things I am feeling, to be able to walk and talk, to be able to type this blog post. A man recently shared his story in a support group and it shook me. He had lost not just his wife but now his daughter to brain aneurysms. How can I be so sad that I think I would be better off gone when this family has experienced such devastating loss. Hearing stories like this make me want to go out and live multiple lives for those who can’t. I had lost sight of that these last few months because I was feeling so sorry for myself (and I wasn’t on the right medication for my depression.) I am mad at myself but I have to let that go, continue to move forward, be better, and do the work to ensure I live my life with more intention and purpose.

To color outside the lines means we don’t have to be perfect at everything. I know that I am not perfect, because no human is, but that does not mean I don’t try to control everything so that it can end up perfectly. I am so happy that you’re here so that we can navigate this overwhelming, messy, beautiful, amazing life together. Let’s break our bad habits and create new, healthy habits to make ourselves and this world a better place. I hope that you will find that you are not alone in this world. The more we share our stories and experiences, we make others feel comfortable to share theirs and therefore we are breaking the stigma of mental health that we all grew up with in this country. Now go color outside the lines and create your own rainbow.

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